Uncommon Sutra
by The Blue Raven
Summary: Jack discovers an interesting volume in the TARDIS library with a familiar likeness on its pages. He has some questions and one thing leads to another. Utter crack!fic. Jack/Nine


**Uncommon Sutra**

**Summary:** Jack discovers an interesting volume in the TARDIS library with a familiar likeness on its pages. He has some questions and one thing leads to another. Utter crack!fic. Jack/Nine

**Rating:** a conservative PG-13 for innuendo and off-screen action

**Disclaimer:** Own nothing, turn no profit. Well, actually, I _did_ benefit greatly from the mental imagine of Jack and Nine…

**Author's Note:** Okay, this one's all my fault, even if Kameka _did_ egg me on a bit (the idea was mine, she just said I should actually _finish_ the thing). And, Kameka, if you tease me about the fact that this is one of _three_ slash!fics I've started or finished this month, I will fly down there and _beat_ you, woman! And not in a good way. At least, not to start…

**Uncommon Sutra**

Jack couldn't sleep, so he decided that a little exploration was in order. He had been on the TARDIS for a few weeks now, and _still_ didn't know all her secrets. She was an _amazing_ creature. He absently trailed his fingertips along the wall, enjoying the little thrill of exchanged energy, and turned down a corridor he hadn't been in before.

The Doctor would probably have killed him if he caught him feeling up _His_ ship, but it was just a little harmless flirting. The TARDIS was more than capable of letting him know if she wanted him to stop. He got the impression that she kind of enjoyed the attention.

After a few minutes rambling, he came upon a large, arched room with carved stone tablets lining every wall. Jack studied their contents for a moment, smirking.

"I should have known…"

Well, when you had a ship this huge why _not_ dedicate an entire room to the Kama Sutra? It had been inventive for something written back in the day. Of course, after First Contact, _several_ new possibilities had opened themselves up. But, when you were talking about the physiological limitations of a pair of humans, the Kama Sutra managed to be fairly innovative.

Smiling, he bent close to examine one of the tablets. The quality of the carving was really just excellent. Someone had labored over this treasure for _ages_ to make it perfect. It was nowhere near photographic because that's just a hard quality to get when you're dealing with stone, but it was _incredibly_ detailed.

And, apparently, _not_ drawn from the imagination. Because there, in the very first tablet, was a certain dark, big-eared man grinning like a maniac and still managing to convey a degree of _intensity_ that left Jack's pants feeling just a bit tighter than they had been a moment ago.

"Wow," he whispered, letting his mind wander.

Then he decided that the first tablet wasn't really a pose to _get_ that excited over, and went to look for the Doctor in others. To find that he was in _all_ of them. Including a few that Jack was _pretty_ sure hadn't made the final cut in the print edition…

"Oh, _wow_," he repeated, smiling speculatively.

Stay in the room and enjoy the images, or go for a chance at the real thing? Granted, the Doctor had a pretty massive crush on Rose, but _still_… Guy that age, _probably_ pretty adventurous. Could probably teach Jack a thing or two, too, which was a nice bonus.

"God hates a coward," he told himself, going in search of the Doctor.

The Time Lord was on the floor of the control room, tinkering around with something in the main pillar.

"Okay, _most_ of it I can see, but didn't tablet forty-two just _hurt_?" Jack asked cheerfully, leaning against the railing.

The Doctor looked up at him blankly for a moment, processing the words. Then it clicked and he fixed Jack with a rather inviting leer.

"I was in traction for a week and it was _well_ worth it."

Jack raised an eyebrow, grinning. And coloring just a little, although _not_ from anything quite as old-fashioned as embarrassment.

"This is a position I have _got_ to try."

"Takes practice," the Doctor warned. "And a _very_ patient teacher."

"Damn," Jack answered, shaking his head with mock-regret. "'Cause you just don't strike me as the patient _type_."

The leer was back. "I have my moments."

"Is that _so_?"

"Captain Jack, was that a _challenge_?" the Doctor demanded, looking delighted.

"Oh, you know me, Doctor. Never one to beat about the bush."

"Which is about your _only_ redeeming characteristic," the Doctor answered.

"Oh, come on!" Jack protested. "Have you not _looked _at my ass?"

"Every chance I get, now that you mention it."

Jack grinned. "My place or yours?"

"Why not the tablet room?" the Doctor suggested. "There's the chaise and we'll be able to reference the source material if we need to. It _has_ been a few hundred years."

"Sounds good," Jack agreed, offering his arm. "Although, I must say, having _that_ collection in an unlocked room?"

"It's only _sex_. There isn't a thing wrong with that."

"Yeah, try telling that to _Rose_ if she finds the place."

The Doctor's eyes widened, making Jack laugh.

"Although, that might be _one_ way of making her take an interest in you," he pointed out cheerfully, smile widening as the Doctor turned red. "I'm pretty sure she's as hot for you as you are for her. Couldn't hurt to let her know you're a demon in the sack."

The Doctor pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"Think about it," Jack advised, patting his shoulder. "You two would make a sweet couple."

"You think?"

"Oh, _absolutely_," Jack agreed. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm getting just a little excited here…"

"Well, after you, then."

"Damn, and here I was hoping I'd be able to check out your ass for a change."

"All in good time, young Captain Harkness," the Doctor promised, smirking. "Now, let's get you defrocked."

0101010

"Okay, are you _sure_ that's right? 'Cause it doesn't _feel_ right."

"Which one of us has done this before, Jack?"

"Sorry, _teacher_. But you _are_ a few hundred years out of practice and—- Ah!"

"Jack, I need you to _relax_ for me."

"If I relax any more, I'm going to be useless to _both_ of us! No _wonder_ you ended up in traction!"

"Okay, just stay calm and try not to _wiggle_ too much. I don't want to accidentally give you a spinal-adjustment here."

"Yeah, _completely_ down with the absence of accidental chiropractics. Could you let up a little weight for a second there?"

"Better?"

"_Much._"

"Good. Now hold _still_."

"Ouch. Ow! _Ooh! _Oh, _**my**_…"

"_Told_ you it was worth it."

"Heh, _yeah_. Uh, oh, _wow_… I, uh, I'm not even sure which god's name I should be screaming right now."

"Then feel free to use _mine_ instead."

"Your ego is the size of a small star-system. Oh, my… _**Oh!**_"

"My ego may be _big_, but right now you probably agree that it's pretty well-deserved."

"Actually, uh, _yeah_… Oh. Could you, uh…"

"Do _this_ again?"

"_**Yes!"**_

"Happy to oblige."

"_Thank you!_ Oh, _damn it_! Please, sir, may I have another?"

"Actually, if you don't shift about ten degrees to the left, you're going to start doing yourself permanent damage. There's a _reason_ this move didn't make the final cut."

"Too much of a good thing!"

"Your _other_ left, Jack."

"Oh, sorry. Better?"

"Dear God, _yes_…"

"Glad you approve. Shall we finish this?"

"Yes, but kiss me there again first."

"Where, _here_?"

"Oh, _yeah_…"

"I never would have pegged _that_ for one of your erogenous zones, Doctor!"

"Stop _laughing_, Jack!"

"I'm sorry, but it's _funny_!"

"Well, okay, so just a _little_. Now, where was I?"

"Here."

"_Agh!_ Oh, yes, now I remember. Thanks, Jack."

"My pleasure. Literally."

"_**Oh, my God!"**_

Both men looked up in terror and, in unison but with varying degrees of shock and embarrassment, shouted, _**"Rose?"  
**_**  
**To which the young shop-girl really didn't have a very good answer…

**The End**


End file.
